may.

Lalalala.

I've found a flaw with myself. I cannot love, or give selflessly. I cannot give without expectations to get something back. I cannot love, without expecting something in return. I need to work on this. I think I couldn't give the shirt off of my back to a stranger in need like the bible says to. I don't think I could be the poor widow giving the last of my lilttle money i had. I've struggled with this for a while, but it just, makes me upset. And It's a horrible mindset to have. But I have it. Frankly, I can't see how barnabas did it, I'm sure God was with him, but I'm sure he had momnets where he wanted to be in front. And was tired of just supporting and wanted to be supported.

I give and give untill I can't give anymore
I pour out so much of myself,
that now I'm empty.
& I need God to fill me up, but my heart
is hardening with the triviality and futility
of my actions. LF> Way out. [Not suicide]

I'm too angsty, hormonal, over reacting, pubecent, drama-kingish, blah blah blah.

[edit]

I wrote that a couple of days ago, before last sunday, so last week-ish. and I should have updated on sundaywhen I got back from church, which was amazing like always, well, not like always. Just God coming to my rescue, saving me from drowning in a pool of my own teenage hormones...

SO I said I've been having issue about me donig acts of blessing people, and edifying them, but never really getting anything back, and I was looking for others to fill me up,when I was missing that God was filling me up. In the bible, Matt. chap 5 or the sermon on the mount as it's often referred to just dispells all my grief and blah. It talks about how we're supposed to love our neighboor, and our neighbor is everyone, not just jews, or just gentiles, but everyone, including enemies, which is in there a little later. It kind of just cleared things up for me. How God will continuously bless, and fill us up instead of people, how we shouldn't do things for the sake of getting a return [from people]. anyways, I kinda don't like my neighbors, who are really loud, and smoke, and all this college crap next door. But God calls for us to bless them, and so I've decided to mow their lawn, since they never do it, and it gets really messy. I don't expect them to become angels, but it's what God calls for, and I trust that if I do it, God will have something good planned, *fingers crossed*... This wasn't as great of a post as I wanted it to be, but all the stuff fell out of my brain from sunday, and It's upstairs, and I'm lazy, and blah...

Question:
God wants us to do all things with a willing heart... But does that mean He appreciates it when we do a certain deed with the mindset that we're going to get something in return? Is it bad to do a deed with the desire to be blessed, instead of wanting to do the deed for sake of getting it done?

Dunno.